not losing the heart of God while loving my child

Becoming a parent has taught me so many things.  In a weird way, so far, it has been pretty easy.  The first month was by far the most difficult, mostly in part, I think, to the fact that we were trying to juggle so many things, many centered around the death of Momma Bear.  Since then, well, life has seemed....dare I say, simple.  Going back to work part-time has made things a little, well, a little less simple.  I find myself confused about how exactly to prioritize things, how to feel accomplished and productive, how to be ok with the fact that some days all I can cross off my list is...love, feed, diaper, and play with a 4 1/2 month old.

One thing about work is that I don't feel so torn about what I should be doing.  It's pretty obvious my role at work, so at the end of the day their is not as much guilt as to how much I didn't accomplish, only the guilt of leaving my little girl (which has gotten much less prevalent seeing as she is so well loved and taken care of).   Although I feel being a mother is probably the least selfish thing I have ever done, I did not anticipate the struggle of "not idolizing my child."  My friend, this awesome-Godly-Chinese loving-baking-imparting wisdom-Beauty and the Beast dressing woman, Laura, casually mentioned this concept in our small group the other day.  I don't think she even realized how it has made my mind spin.  She mentioned how I had never been on Facebook or made a blog before I had my little Charlie Belle.  Kind of made me laugh and think, before Charlie Belle I didn't feel any need to be on Face Book or have a blog....who would want to look at pictures of me or updates on my life, Charlotte made me much more interesting, and well, is much cuter to look at.

Charlie Belle, I love you so much, but I don't want to live for you.  I want to live for, serve, and worship the only true and living God.  And, in turn, I don't want you to serve me.  I don't want your life to be about me creating you to be a perfectly obedient and cute little girl.  I want my primary concern not to be that you obey me, but that you mature and grow in your love for God and His people.

It seems easy and culturally appropriate to make children the center of our universe, but I know our jealous God demands to be the focus.

One thought I have  a lot little Charlotte is that one day soon you will go from an innocent baby who doesn't know right from wrong to a fallen human being who choses to do wrong.  One day soon I will tell you not to bite or throw food off your tray and you will look at me, smile, and do it anyway.  In that moment my heart will grieve because I will know some of your innocence is gone.  I know God feels that way about me all the time, I know He wonders why I make poor choices even when I know better.  Knowing this I am choosing to search God's heart for my family and I am asking Him to continually remind me not to idolize my sweet baby girl.

I'm not really sure what all this means for us.  I'm still caught up and extremely excited about the adventure God has for us.  I know I will be praying that God will not let me make the adventure about my family but about Him and His glory.  In the meantime I will continue to blog as a way to remember this adventure of parenthood and post pictures to Facebook to show off my little girl, all the while praying God will "rip my face off" with His glory.